Beautfuil.

http://maryannsmerrygoround.blogspot.com/2011/11/today-you-can-living-life-with-thankful.html

Struggling with my Journey into happiness and Godliness

http://suns-club.blogspot.com/

I was under no illusion that this Journey would easy, when your trying to better yourself and be happy, it is far from easy. If it were easy, everyone would be happy.

I think I have been doing the Alpha Course for about 8 weeks now and going to my fabulous church for 3 months.  It has been the most amazing, magical Journey of my life, apart from meeting my husband, who is my hero and soul mate of all time. And, having my beautiful children what a magical gift. However like everything magical and amazing you need to place your feet firmly back on the ground and then just learn to be at peace with the world. This is what I feel is happening to me, I know that it is now time to look at myself and work out way I feel so sad, angry and not at peace with the world all the time. I think I have managed to hide it for such a long time I am not quite sure how to deal with it, even the thought of looking at why.

Motherhood is such a strong influence on how you feel, how you were brought up and even your relationship with your own mother. There you go another, ouch, sore subject, I really really do not want to deal with right now. Right at this moment in time I so want a mummy hug, to know I am loved, and cherished for who I am. I want my mum to be proud of what I have become. Ya right, that is never gonna happen, so how do I deal with that! To add more insult to injury, there is the subject of my father, now, that is, another entirely different matter.

I have known for quite sometime that I would have to deal with all these awful emotional memories and dysfunctions but never sure of how to. Gosh, I have read every possible book you can on these issues, but nothing ever really helped me.  I was in discussions with my Reverend and he did say this would be one big emotional rollercoaster ride, I just need to have the courage to get on the ride, how do I get that courage when I feel so alone all the time.

I have my beautiful "Ipswich" friends, Caroline, Emma, Rosie and Tracey (some of whom are Christian or doing the Alpha course with me) but it is not a Father, Mother or Sister figure, someone who loves me unconditional. Now, I hear you all say, yes but you do have someone who loves you unconditional, someone who is proud of everything you do; who even died on the cross for you to forgive your sins and wash away all the badness; Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit which lives in your heart. Yes I do agree but for some reason even though I have taken such a great leap into faith over the last few months, I feel, just as I am getting closer to opening up and letting go, I have in turn taken ten thousand steps back, right back to the beginning even to the beginning of my childhood. Now that is scary.

http://www.englishbaby.com

I met a lovely lady at the church toddler group today who was just amazing; she was so welcoming, warm hearted and kind. Thank you Rachel I hope you don’t mind me mentioning you on this site and I am hoping I will have the courage to also show you this site too. Rachel mentioned about having someone to talk to about all my problems or shall I say issues. I am hoping I can find someone from a Christian back ground that would be willing to counsel or mentor me through this very tough time

Atheism on what basis?

Richard Watson states in his 1831 book, A Biblical and Theological Dictionary: “Atheist, in the strict and proper sense of the word, is one who does not believe in the existence of a god, or who owns no being superior to nature.”
and;
Robert Flint, in his 1885 book Anti-Theistic Theories states: “Every man is an atheist who does not believe that there is a God.
How can I have called myself an Atheist, all my life, when actually, I never even knew much about it Christianity, the history behind it or even read the bible. I know I did Religious Studies at school many moons ago, however it seems strange to me that we call ourselves or give ourselves this title "Atheist" when, surely for someone to truly be a true Atheist they need to have studied the bible and Christianity first, then claim they are an Atheist.
Now please, these are just my naive thoughts, do not take what I say literally and say I am wrong. I am just thinking out loud and interested about your thoughts and ideas on the matter!!

Thought of the day!

Walking Away from God

How could you turn your back on God once you had found him and been filled with the Holy Spirit. How could you want to go back to your old life with all that hurt and pain eating up inside you. I deal every day with doubt about God as it is all new, but deep down inside my heart something always happens to make me believe this is right and right for right now too!. How could I walk away from all of this strength that lives in me and makes me feel so happy, calm and inspired.

If you did walk away, would you not be forever thinking, I liked that person I was becoming I want more. It would bug you for the rest of your living days!

Relationships and what people think

http://www.lightomega.org/Ind/Pure/Soul-Relationships.html

I just had to write this here as I am completely shocked and quite scared actually. I love researching, finding information.  My brain is like a massive sponge when I come across something that is of interest to me. I suppose it’s a bit like everyone else really. However, I know that God says that when you start your Journey into Godliness you will come up against Satan and Bad Spirits, I really didn't take this serious enough. 

I do completely understand that I am so new to knowing God, and forgive me world but yes Christianity, because I know a lot of people out there who are very passionate about knowing Christ, feel very strongly about the way in which they worship him. For me, I have no interest in how other people worship him. My main concern is how I build a relationship with him no matter what and how I do it. I became a Christian because I felt unloved by the world and almost neglected. I spent a lot of hard work, effort and love finding people and building relationships with them for the sake of me and my family, but always getting let down in some way. I felt that people just didn't live by kind and loving and unselfish rules that I like to think I did. My sisters would agree with me, we all seems to expect people to treat us the way we treat them, with love and kindness, I am afraid the world just is not like this. Sometimes I don’t think other people even realised how hurt I felt maybe I didn't treat people how they wanted to be treated, I suppose it does work both ways. I am not blaming other people for the way I felt but it can be a very lonely world out there sometimes, I know of this loneliness only to well.

I lived this lonely existence from the age of 14 up until I met my amazing husband when I was 28.. With no friends and family around me I always felt a strong urge to bond with other human beings. Even more so now I am a mum to my three beautiful children and a wife to my amazing husband.  I feel it is so important to have a mother or father figure in your life, even a sister or brother so you can for once feel, like a family unit with all the love and support you would or should normal get.

So to conclude this little bit of babble after reading some comments on a site I found interesting last night, but found me rather scared. I will not be scared and embarrassed about what other people think about me and my new found freedom or even what they think about God and they way people live their Godly life, I will except and love with open arms, all the new and amazing people I have already met, and will meet through Christianity and maybe it is actually the Holy Spirit working his magic, because I have asked him to take control of my life. I know longer want the stress and anger of it all. And I pray that God will guide me in my search of new found knowledge to know what is right from wrong. I also thank you for all the amazing information and Knowledge that I have found out there in the big wide world and I will only take information that is of interest to me. I also want to thank God for the amazing people I have met through church over the last few days, knowing god is all about building relationship the thing I have always craved in life.

Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul - Book

Saw this book and have read a few pages; wow it sounds great I wish I had it now to go to bed with and read until I fell asleep. I can imagine I would finish the whole book before I went to sleep.
Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul
http://www.amazon.com/Captivating-Unveiling-Mystery-Womans-Soul/dp/1400200385%3FSubscriptionId%3D14H876SFAKFS0EHBYQ02%26tag%3Dchristinekv-20%26linkCode%3Dxm2%26camp%3D2025%26creative%3D165953%26creativeASIN%3D1400200385

Leaving my children.

http://www.free-photos.biz

I’ve just had a flash back of my childhood. Scary. And realised why I have issues with leaving my children with anyone, let alone with the crèche in the church I go to. I have been going to my church weekly for about 2/3 months now and naturally I still feel uncomfortable leaving them with people I don’t know. I really enjoy going to church; in fact I look forward to it all week. It gives me a chance to be on my own, to concentrate on myself and learn more about God and how he works within each of us. Because I feel I am being rather selfish and want to concentrate on my journey to godliness I tend to go to church on my own. However, last week I found it quite lonely, so I decided this week to take baby Wilson to keep me company. Not such a good idea!

It was Holy Communion, which 1) I have only ever done once before about 3 weeks ago and it was a very enlightening experience; and 2) I wanted to give my all this time, which was not possible with a wriggling boy. With this in mind I decided to be brave and take him to the church crèche. I was heart-broken at the thought of leaving him and could not hold back my tears. I felt very silly in front of all the people in the little room but braved it on, put him down on the floor, and left the room.

The talk by the vicar was extremely interesting about how we make choices, whether right or wrong, and how they shape us into who we are today. I thought at the time “this is surreal, this is all about me”. I wanted to take in as much as possible.

Thinking about it now, I have come to realize one of the reasons why I find it so difficult to leave my children is that I have a very hard time cutting the cord, all down to childhood. You would think third time round it would be a bit easier. I have left Wilson for a short while with one of my friends and his grandparents, but not people in the church who, to me, are complete strangers.

Now let’s get back to this flash back. It was when I was only a little girl, 11 years old to be exact. I was looking after my one year old little sister at the time and had been asked by a Christian School Friend Angel to come along to her church. I jumped at the chance, bearing in mind, when I was little, although my family did not like Christianity or church; I seemed to have been drawn to Christianity. I went to Christian Fellowship at high school, studied religious Studies for my G.C.S.E’s and went to Sunday school with my brothers and sisters when we got kicked out the house.

I remember dressing up my little baby sister in her beautiful christening gown. She looked beautiful. I loved my little sister and enjoyed looking after her all the time. When we got to church the adults insisted that they take her away from me and put her in the crèche. I did not like this at all, but what could I have done? I was just a little girl myself. I was brought up to respect adults, so unwilling and with tears in my eyes I handed her over. I felt so sick and empty inside I really did not want to be there. I didn’t know what to do. Ten minutes into the church services one of the church elders came back with my little sister and said she had been crying hysterically for the whole time. Well that made me feel even worst. I had been given the responsibly of looking after her and I had failed in my mothers eyes and my little baby sister eyes too. How could they have forgiven me? Of course I never told my mother, she didn’t even know I had gone to church; in fact I don’t think she even cared.

No wonder I felt emotional about leaving Wilson in the church Crèche. It is amazing how we have no idea what our past and our memories can do to us, to our mind and soul, tormenting us without even realizing it. So, to conclude this little article, I now think and understand why this Journey into Christianity is going to be so emotional. There will be a lot of these flash backs and emotions that have been hidden away tightly under lock and key.

I think I need to remain positive about these experiences and know that the journey into Christianity will be a bit like riding a massive emotional rollercoaster; will be tough at times; but ultimately rewarding.