Struggling with my Journey into happiness and Godliness

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I was under no illusion that this Journey would easy, when your trying to better yourself and be happy, it is far from easy. If it were easy, everyone would be happy.

I think I have been doing the Alpha Course for about 8 weeks now and going to my fabulous church for 3 months.  It has been the most amazing, magical Journey of my life, apart from meeting my husband, who is my hero and soul mate of all time. And, having my beautiful children what a magical gift. However like everything magical and amazing you need to place your feet firmly back on the ground and then just learn to be at peace with the world. This is what I feel is happening to me, I know that it is now time to look at myself and work out way I feel so sad, angry and not at peace with the world all the time. I think I have managed to hide it for such a long time I am not quite sure how to deal with it, even the thought of looking at why.

Motherhood is such a strong influence on how you feel, how you were brought up and even your relationship with your own mother. There you go another, ouch, sore subject, I really really do not want to deal with right now. Right at this moment in time I so want a mummy hug, to know I am loved, and cherished for who I am. I want my mum to be proud of what I have become. Ya right, that is never gonna happen, so how do I deal with that! To add more insult to injury, there is the subject of my father, now, that is, another entirely different matter.

I have known for quite sometime that I would have to deal with all these awful emotional memories and dysfunctions but never sure of how to. Gosh, I have read every possible book you can on these issues, but nothing ever really helped me.  I was in discussions with my Reverend and he did say this would be one big emotional rollercoaster ride, I just need to have the courage to get on the ride, how do I get that courage when I feel so alone all the time.

I have my beautiful "Ipswich" friends, Caroline, Emma, Rosie and Tracey (some of whom are Christian or doing the Alpha course with me) but it is not a Father, Mother or Sister figure, someone who loves me unconditional. Now, I hear you all say, yes but you do have someone who loves you unconditional, someone who is proud of everything you do; who even died on the cross for you to forgive your sins and wash away all the badness; Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit which lives in your heart. Yes I do agree but for some reason even though I have taken such a great leap into faith over the last few months, I feel, just as I am getting closer to opening up and letting go, I have in turn taken ten thousand steps back, right back to the beginning even to the beginning of my childhood. Now that is scary.

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I met a lovely lady at the church toddler group today who was just amazing; she was so welcoming, warm hearted and kind. Thank you Rachel I hope you don’t mind me mentioning you on this site and I am hoping I will have the courage to also show you this site too. Rachel mentioned about having someone to talk to about all my problems or shall I say issues. I am hoping I can find someone from a Christian back ground that would be willing to counsel or mentor me through this very tough time