It seems to be so relevant this weekend, and somehow throughout the last 13 years I have never made a connection. Why, because I was not a Christian before and not aware of why Christ died or even when he died. That is really bad, but I am not going to beat myself up about it. I always remember my Fathers birthday around the time I met my amazing hubby Ben. In fact Ben and I first kissed in the pub my mother and father met in, back in 1974. Now that is spooky! Oh and we kissed to Stevie Wonder's Superstition, my father's most favourite song of all time.
Yesterday was the day we, my sisters, cremated my father 13 years ago. Although 13 years ago, I have done what a lot of humans do: that is, lock away the hurt and pain. However, now I have children I seem to be unlocking all that hurt and pain. I went to a small communion at church in the early morning as we were going out for a family day out. The service was rather small, closed in and very formal; not conducive to sobbing my heart out and trying not to be noticed. The sermon of course was about Christ on the cross and the 2 people beside him. Considering that it was around the time we said our final goodbyes to my father I thought of him and whether in his last moments he had asked God for forgiveness. I never knew and will never know if my father believed in God or even for that matter if he is in heaven!!!
I asked the question: Has my father gone to Heaven as he actually took his own life? If and when I go to Heaven will I meet him there? I always cried to Chris Rea stairway to heaven. It makes me feel very sad that my father lived a very lonely, painful life and that taking his life was to end his long life of suffering. I totally understand why, but do miss him terribly. I can never know if he would have been proud of me as a mother and wife. It saddens me that he never met my amazing husband Ben and my beautiful children.
I also asked the question: will God forgive him because he was mentally disturbed with schizophrenia, maybe due to family inheritance or unhealthy life style? I know deep down in my fathers heart he was a very good man, he loved people, but was plagued with horror all his life. I hope God that you also saw this and helped him to ask for forgiveness just before he passed away.
So now I will look at things differently and will remember that at Easter time not only did Christ die for us and our Sins, " and I truly thank God that I am now a Christian and that I have been given the wisdom to understand the painful things in my life", my father also died to save himself from the hurt and pain of the life he led.
I just feel sad because I will always have this fantasy that one day I will see my Father again and he can tell me that he is very proud of me and the life I live. So for now, I trust you the Father, the Son and Holy Spirit and I give you all my trust and faith and that "you" will be proud of me and love me for who I am and look after me and my precious family.
And that will be all I need.
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